I just love that new Pope smell.
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*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.