I just love that new Pope smell.

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Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.


Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.


PARENTS: When someone offers you drugs, you say no!
ME (going out into the world): I’m ready
[literally no one offers me drugs ever]


“What are you doing here?”

I just got fired from the circus

“Oh my”

Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond


Don’t hesitate when you come to a fork in the road. Be bold. Pick that fork up and take it home. Free cutlery!


Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.


A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.


Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years