Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
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Need this in my life lol
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
not for long
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.