I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
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Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
“Sheer Arrogance”
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
Dyslexics are teople poo!
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful