There’s no quicker evacuation than alcohol telling your stomach the party is over
I just made your acquaintance, and this is preposterous, but here is my address, perhaps thou shall mail me maybe.
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If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
Interviewer: may we contact your previous employers?
[cut to the giant grave in the desert where I buried them all]
Me: lol you could try
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
My office password’s been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time