@ShakespearePop

I just made your acquaintance, and this is preposterous, but here is my address, perhaps thou shall mail me maybe.

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@tigersgoroooar

Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.

@mattZillaaaa

*lays in bed for 12 hours

I guess I’ll get up now

*walks over to couch & lays down

@LindaInDisguise

Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.

@AmishPornStar1

“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”

-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other

@doooiiiit

I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.

@JustBeingEmma

My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.

@Extranaut

Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.

@LibyaLiberty

My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.