@ShakespearePop

I just made your acquaintance, and this is preposterous, but here is my address, perhaps thou shall mail me maybe.

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@envydatropic

There’s no quicker evacuation than alcohol telling your stomach the party is over

@dmc1138

If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.

@JohnFugelsang

Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something

@DaddyJew

Interviewer: may we contact your previous employers?

[cut to the giant grave in the desert where I buried them all]

Me: lol you could try

@markydoodoo

why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?

@longwall26

One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me

@JohnLyonTweets

There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.

@callmeEvian

Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.

Me: Are you serious?

Him: I shit you knot.

@liz_buckley

My office password’s been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.

@WhaJoTalkinBout

*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time