[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
You Might Also Like
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
Shoo shoo! 😂
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart