it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
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If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
mentally somewhere in italy
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
i think both sides are to blame here
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it