Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
I just managed to eat a bag of chips without waking the dog like some kinda ninja.
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13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
M: Are you breathing?
M: Well, there ya go
5-year-old: Why does she keep cleaning the floors?
Me: Her stepsisters make her.
5: She should just buy a Roomba.
After my date orders, I always tell the waiter “Nothing for me..I’ll be eating later” Then wink at my date & raise my eyebrows suggestively!
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
Shout out to everybody home for the holidays telling their family about conversations that happened online by saying “My, uh… friend said…”
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER