@McClaneJohn2

I just managed to eat a bag of chips without waking the dog like some kinda ninja.

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@HenpeckedHal

Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.

@coketruck76

13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go

@XplodingUnicorn

[watching “Cinderella”]

5-year-old: Why does she keep cleaning the floors?

Me: Her stepsisters make her.

5: She should just buy a Roomba.

@jasonlight73

After my date orders, I always tell the waiter “Nothing for me..I’ll be eating later” Then wink at my date & raise my eyebrows suggestively!

@TheCiscoKidder

5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?

Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.

@anildash

Shout out to everybody home for the holidays telling their family about conversations that happened online by saying “My, uh… friend said…”

@sgrstk

This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.

@donni

Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs

@DannyZuker

You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.

@ElgatoEsmio

We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER