I just managed to eat a bag of chips without waking the dog like some kinda ninja.

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there was a girl on tv show who was crying sayin “i miss america” and it was real sad until someone corected her grammar and gave her a sash


DOC: good news is you’ll make it
ME: phew!
DOC: …into the the record book for stupidest way to die
ME: *still vomiting marshmallows*


Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.


I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.


Chinese Food: $16.72

Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94

Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless


Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.