I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
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My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
it’s finally my moment to shine
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math