I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
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I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…