I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.

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Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.


if u think men are tougher than women then u don’t realize that every day women all over are taking showers with the water temperature set to exploding sun and actually enjoying it


Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies


6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.

Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]

6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!

Me: ??????? ??? ? [sobbing]


If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.


I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..


Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.


I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.