I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.

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FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week

ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you


As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it


hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please

“you mean a bloody mary”

yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up


I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.


sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana


Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?


[god on LSD creating Donald Trump

What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?


luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something


*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO


Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.