FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
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As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.