Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
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if u think men are tougher than women then u don’t realize that every day women all over are taking showers with the water temperature set to exploding sun and actually enjoying it
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ??????? ??? ? [sobbing]
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
How thin do you have to be to go skinny dipping?
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
The eighth habit of highly effective people.
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.