I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
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Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
What the hell is going on?
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
Me when I wear 4 inch heels