I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
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First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
This is my bus stop.
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
Still a very good boi….