Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
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My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
dictator is short for richard potato
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
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Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.