The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
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airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.