i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
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Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
I am woman, hear me say the opposite of what I mean in that tone that means you’d better do what I meant and not what I said.
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*yeah, screw this*
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
*Boss approaches desk*
“What the fu..”
Me, wearing paper clip necklace – “See? I knew you’d be mad so I made you one too”
You’re the reason why I wake up every morning…
Just kidding, I have to go to work.
I just saved thousands on child support by never getting laid.
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
When someone tries to hand me a baby, I say, “No, thanks. I’m vegetarian.”