I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.

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i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community


Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.


I am woman, hear me say the opposite of what I mean in that tone that means you’d better do what I meant and not what I said.


*plays Eye of the Tiger*

*starts runni…*

*yeah, screw this*


If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.

So it was a happy ending


*Boss approaches desk*

“What the fu..”

Me, wearing paper clip necklace – “See? I knew you’d be mad so I made you one too”


You’re the reason why I wake up every morning…

Just kidding, I have to go to work.


“I’M A DOG!”
– dogs


When someone tries to hand me a baby, I say, “No, thanks. I’m vegetarian.”