Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
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*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
dog person: do you like dogs or cats
me: all pets are good 🙂
dog person: dogs or cats?
me: i like them in different ways
dog person: DOGS [holding a knife to my throat] OR CATS?
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
me: [under my breath] ? ???’? ??????? ???? ????
me: omg thank you
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
daughter: dad can we go see frozen 2
me: frozen to what lol
daughter: dad i’m serious!
me: hi serious, i’m dad hahaha just kidding, what’s it about
daughter: it’s about 2 hours lmao