I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.

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You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.

I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.


I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spirit

seeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power


“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.

Lovely man.

Banned from driving.


“Head, shoulders, knees, and toes” is beautiful to hear in a children’s classroom – but not at the site of a plane crash.


I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.


I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.


My nephew, who is 5, addressing his baby sister: I’m really tired of the word “why”

His baby sister, who is 2: Why?


When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.

You’re welcome.


In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.