I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
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Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
All set.
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.