@marcusparkersol

I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.

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@VanGobot

*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in

@urbanfriendden

surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter

@markydoodoo

sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes

@Playing_Dad

[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit

@TT_Sunshine_

I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.

@ShesARealGenius

[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”

@goodbeanalt

no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too

@JustMeTurtle

It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.

@DreamerDixie

Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?

Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.