@marcusparkersol

I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.

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@AlexvanBeek

Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”

@Rich_McCarthy

*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?

@Skoog

dog person: do you like dogs or cats

me: all pets are good 🙂

dog person: dogs or cats?

me: i like them in different ways

dog person: DOGS [holding a knife to my throat] OR CATS?

@sixfootcandy

Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?

Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.

@climaxximus

[courtroom]

me: [under my breath] ? ???’? ??????? ???? ????

judge: pardon?

me: omg thank you

@retardedwriter

If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents

@StarWarsProblms

Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.

Luke: OK.

Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.

@daemonic3

daughter: dad can we go see frozen 2

me: frozen to what lol

daughter: dad i’m serious!

me: hi serious, i’m dad hahaha just kidding, what’s it about

daughter: it’s about 2 hours lmao