I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
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Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.