@better_off_dad2

‘I just need like two minutes!’

~me, lying

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@richardosman

My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.

@Amanda10Rivers

I’m not against half naked men.
At least not as often as I’d like to be.

@fabulouscop

[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough

@KrazykurtKurt

Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”

“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”

@PleaseBeGneiss

[first day as doctor]

ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news

PATIENT: what is it

ME: I amputated the wrong hand

@TheRealRHB

I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream

@imence2

I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.

@cool_as_heck

OBAMA: your resume says you think of the “best nicknames?”

ME: that’s right, Obama-nable snowman *finger guns*

OBAMA: [softly] holy shit

@SortaBad

“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”