‘I just need like two minutes!’

~me, lying

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My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.


I’m not against half naked men.
At least not as often as I’d like to be.


[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
again please
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough


Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”

“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”


[first day as doctor]

ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news

PATIENT: what is it

ME: I amputated the wrong hand


I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream


I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.


OBAMA: your resume says you think of the “best nicknames?”

ME: that’s right, Obama-nable snowman *finger guns*

OBAMA: [softly] holy shit


“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”