I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
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I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
Ok but actually
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
When the stylist spins you back around
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!