My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
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[at my high school reunion]
Hey guys, remember last year when we toilet papered Mrs. Krebb’s house?
“Dude that was in 1991.”
WHAT ARE WE?
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
No, then Twitter
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
me: make food to eat
chefs: make food to make money to buy food
am I the only smart one on this website????
“You missed a spot.”
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.