Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
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Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Horror movies in the 50’s were just mysteries with extra cobwebs and two well-timed lightning cracks.
Horror movies now are like: “Your addiction to technology woke up the devil and he’s spent the last thousand years thinking up some weirdly elaborate sexual torture techniques”
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
– We’re not having sex.
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
Falling for someone from Twitter is as intelligent as trying to give yourself a lobotomy with a sharpened jelly donut.
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
My toddler and I have an ongoing contest where I try to prove I’m a good dad and he tries to prove me wrong.