I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.

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Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control

-me, in this hotel room


Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold


As you get older, dirty talk turns into “Yeah baby, take that nap. Take all of it honey. You like that couch? Oh yeah, sleep on it…”


So Harry Potter gets an invisibility cloak.. Does he sneak in and watch Hermione getting changed? No, he goes to the library


I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again


*trips a girl and catches her*
Haha looks like you’re falling for me
*gets slapped*


[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe

[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die


My biggest regret of 2014?

Probably when my husband watched “The Notebook” with me and then I yelled at him for not building me a house