I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
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I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
No way!
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
“Wait, let me explain..”
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend