@Scorpio1080

I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.

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@TheBoydP

There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.

@JimmyBauer

Of all the bears that could kill me the gummy has come the closest.

@rankin_jake

At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick

@heyitsJudeD

How do you know you been on your phone too much?

Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!

@scharpling

Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”

@david8hughes

[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine

@TuSoonShakur

Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot

Lady Macbeth: out

Macbeth: but-

Lady Macbeth: OUT

@mommajessiec

[feels adventurous]

As a kid: *climbs a tree*

As a teen: *dyes hair*

In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*

In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*

@ibid78

If you whisper, “we’re being watched,” you can hug a stranger for as long as you want. My record is 13 days.

@ThugRaccoons

Salesman: This model corners really well

Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*