I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.

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There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.


Of all the bears that could kill me the gummy has come the closest.


At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick


How do you know you been on your phone too much?

Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!


Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”


[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine


Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot

Lady Macbeth: out

Macbeth: but-

Lady Macbeth: OUT


[feels adventurous]

As a kid: *climbs a tree*

As a teen: *dyes hair*

In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*

In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*


If you whisper, “we’re being watched,” you can hug a stranger for as long as you want. My record is 13 days.


Salesman: This model corners really well

Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*