I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
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One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
technically true but not a great slogan
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool