I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies

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Boss: Why did you call off yesterday?

Me: You said I should do what’s best for the company.


Me: I’ll take that promotion now.


If you love something, set it free.

(Does not apply to ferrets.)*

*I am no longer allowed on the subway.


Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*


Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.


Nothing in life can prepare you for how much of marriage is spent just listening to someone cough.


“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.


god: ..and this part is your crust

earth: i‚Äôm a pizza ūüôā

god: no that’s-

earth: everybody loves pizza ūüėÄ

god: but

earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)

god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing


[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?

*Refrigerator hums loudly*


I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”