@DaddyJew

I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies

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@LurkAtHomeMom

Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.

@mrjohndarby

me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get

barber: ok

[later]
her: you look nice

barber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too

@Marlebean

Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.

@shutupmikeginn

Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan

@GaryLineker

It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.

@jackiembouvier

[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.

@Coolisiana

I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on

@isabelzawtun

[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean

@WilliamAder

Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?