Boss: Why did you call off yesterday?
Me: You said I should do what’s best for the company.
Me: I’ll take that promotion now.
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
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If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
Nothing in life can prepare you for how much of marriage is spent just listening to someone cough.
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?
*Refrigerator hums loudly*
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”