I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
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Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
When your man makes a valid point
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.