I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.

I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.

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It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.


Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner

Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day


It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?

Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?


A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..


Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.


her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?

me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?


Dear Gym,

I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…

I’m just using you to get into my own pants.