I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
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Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
Going to church you guys need anything
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here