@lovejulieacafe

I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.

I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.

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@karanbirtinna

It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.

@LeBearGirdle

Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner

Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day

@fakeadultmom

It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?

Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?

@causticbob

A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..

@markhoppus

Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.

@upsidedowntrash

her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?

me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?

@LifeUnPinterest

Dear Gym,

I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…

I’m just using you to get into my own pants.