I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
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Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices