The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
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Bout to have the best sleep of my life
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.