I just overheard my kid muttering “I’m sorry you had to see that” to a stuffed toy. It’s probably best not to ask what “that” was right?

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Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money


A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.

FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.


Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?

God: Yes.

Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?

God: Horizontal Pupils

Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*

God: YouTube is gonna love you.


According to the 19 citations I got for trespassing and peeping, “neighborhood watch” isn’t what I thought it was


I don’t know, the friend zone sounds like a cool place with pizza and laser tag


On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.


jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?

me (hates gossip): no


Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds


Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.