i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ

sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day


sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?

dad: oh yeah, maybe

[they watch tv in silence]

me: ?????

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If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.

That’s probably where I’m selling it at.


I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.


“They grow up so fast.”

– Me, looking at my problems.


[first day as lifeguard]

Kid: *waving dramatically*

Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?


Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.


Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.


There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.


nice try walmart, like im gonna spend $20 on a skeleton mask when i could easily just peel the flesh and muscle off my face for free


ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.


ME: Thank you.

RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—

ME: *Whispers* No.

RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.


Ugh, I am swamped at work today.

*stares at puppies on the Internet for 3 hours