If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
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I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
nice try walmart, like im gonna spend $20 on a skeleton mask when i could easily just peel the flesh and muscle off my face for free
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
Ugh, I am swamped at work today.
*stares at puppies on the Internet for 3 hours