Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
I just paid $4,000 to have a skywriter write “Actually, Vanessa, YOU’RE the one who’s being ‘dramatic’.”
You Might Also Like
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
Me: What kind of cake for your birthday?
Wife: Just something with chocolate
[later, me in the kitchen melting chocolate over a crab cake]
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.