WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
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[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito