I just paid $4,000 to have a skywriter write “Actually, Vanessa, YOU’RE the one who’s being ‘dramatic’.”

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Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.


I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.


Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’


me: *having prostate examination*

doc: omg, when was this last wiped?

me: WHAT

doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady


I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.


Robocop’s guns malfunction.

Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.

Robocop loses his home.



“Oh, I like your coat!”

“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”


Me: what’s this fee?

Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.

Me: ok

Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that

Me: do you know how money works?


Me: What kind of cake for your birthday?

Wife: Just something with chocolate

[later, me in the kitchen melting chocolate over a crab cake]


When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.