I’m Italian, but I’m not “save a princess from a weird dinosaur looking guy, with my brother Luigi” Italian.
I just paid $4,000 to have a skywriter write “Actually, Vanessa, YOU’RE the one who’s being ‘dramatic’.”
You Might Also Like
I’m fairly certain that kids only have ears for decorative purposes.
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
Whoever is making cheese commercials can save their money. We’re buying cheese and and we’re never going to stop buying cheese.
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
My doctor told me exercise will add years to my life. It’s true. I just did 10 push ups and feel like i’m 80
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.
End of list