I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
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call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
@funTweeters I am at your service….
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.