I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
You Might Also Like
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food