@QuiteQuietOne

I just peed in my bath. But don’t worry, I won’t drink the water.

– 4 year old logic

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@TeejayRush

Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…

Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…

@edawg_eric

I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…

All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.

~inspirational tweet

@iwearaonesie

wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?

@Megatronic13

Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away

Husband: I said I would do it

Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY

Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag

@SaltyCorpse

I can’t wait till I’m old enough to pretend to fall asleep mid conversation and nobody questions it.

@MatCro

[restaurant]

ME: Do you have updog?

WAITER: [sighs] No sir

M: Ok, is this gluten free?

W: No you have to pay for it

M: Damn you’re good

@ch000ch

sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means

@beliz69

Today, I asked my husband if he would still love me if I was ugly and fat. He answered, “Yes, honey I do.”