I just peed in my bath. But don’t worry, I won’t drink the water.
– 4 year old logic
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ME: woud u be open to adoption?
[later, at the adoption agency]
ME: yes hi, i’d like to put my husband up for adoption
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
We’re all equal. But I’m more equal than you.
Priest: The power of Christ compels you! I cast you out! Unclean spirit!
Me: Wait, stop! Some of these are load-bearing demons.