Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
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Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
Warm pools make me nervous.
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week