Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
I just peed in my bath. But don’t worry, I won’t drink the water.
– 4 year old logic
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I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
Brobbits before Hobbits
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
I can’t wait till I’m old enough to pretend to fall asleep mid conversation and nobody questions it.
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
This is amazing.
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
Today, I asked my husband if he would still love me if I was ugly and fat. He answered, “Yes, honey I do.”