some things should go without saying
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professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.