Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
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wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
Note to self: I am a note
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
23. the denim jacket
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
Nothing.
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.