I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
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I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.