I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
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Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.