I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
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My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”