*picks up beef bouillon
*decides against it
*puts it down
*picks up chicken bouillon
– stock exchange
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
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Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
In America, someone is shot every 15 seconds. How is that person still alive?
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
Everyone knows someone in real life that actually resembles a garden gnome.
Every time I lose a sock I like to imagine it went to set one of Dobby’s house elf friends free.
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
Bad guys gotta have a meeting and decide once and for all Liam Neeson’s family is off limits.