@2tickytacky

I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.

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@LMHPhotog

*picks up beef bouillon

*decides against it

*puts it down

*picks up chicken bouillon

*nods confidently

– stock exchange

@TwinSurvivalist

Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.

Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?

@TheMichaelRock

In America, someone is shot every 15 seconds. How is that person still alive?

@stephenjmolloy

Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”

*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*

@Paul_Eaton1

Everyone knows someone in real life that actually resembles a garden gnome.

@sammyrhodes

Every time I lose a sock I like to imagine it went to set one of Dobby’s house elf friends free.

@SteveDutzy

Hey, we never talked in high school!

Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!

JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!

@SergioValenCo

Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.

@rodimusprime

Bad guys gotta have a meeting and decide once and for all Liam Neeson’s family is off limits.