@leapeajo

I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.

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@ch000ch

just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping

@GingerAtLaw

No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED

@Bexdora

JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!

*2 hours later has organised a small festival*

Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!

@SSDated

If Kevin Bacon never said “want some bacon with your eggs” to a lonely chick in a bar, life just doesn’t make sense anymore.

@Tmoney68

*the fog lifts*

*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*

*the fog does cardio*

*the fog is fit af*

@thatdutchperson

THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.

ME:

THERAPIST: ok?

Me: would that make you happy?

@CantWaitToNap

*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”

Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”

@TonyFratto

I joke but this Scotland thing is nuts. I mean…imagine if Canada ever tried to secede from the U.S.

@FredTaming

[ robbing grocery store ]

me: put the money in the bag

her: paper or plastic