just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
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I’m only married if you’re ugly.
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
If Kevin Bacon never said “want some bacon with your eggs” to a lonely chick in a bar, life just doesn’t make sense anymore.
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
Me: would that make you happy?
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”
Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
I joke but this Scotland thing is nuts. I mean…imagine if Canada ever tried to secede from the U.S.
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic