I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
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“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
My work here is done
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.