I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.

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I want to invent a nap time machine, which is a time machine that takes you to times you could’ve napped and didn’t.


me: how much for the boquet of dogs

girl walking dogs: huh

me: *slipping her $5* how about now


Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.


obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls


That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.


This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.


*Job Interview

Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”

(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)

Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*


[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*


“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb