I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
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In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.