Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@treydayway

Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.

@AlmightyBored

Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.

@brianbowman73

Them: You seem nice.

Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.

@thentherewasmo

Nicki Minaj is my favorite teletubby

@climaxximus

[fishing]

me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?

friend: they’re koi.

me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.

@tealbluejay

I touch myself when I think of you.

It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.

@PinkCamoTO

I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.

@jimmy_sharpe

For lunch today I ate three lunches.

@erichwithach

I love English because Debut is closer to Review than Debit.

@3sunzzz

I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.