@splashguts

I just purchased duct tape at the Dollar Store to fix all of the other shit I bought at the Dollar Store. Life is going exactly as planned.

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@treydayway

Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.

@AlmightyBored

Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.

@climaxximus

[fishing]

me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?

friend: they’re koi.

me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.

@tealbluejay

I touch myself when I think of you.

It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.

@PinkCamoTO

I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.

@3sunzzz

I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.