@splashguts

I just purchased duct tape at the Dollar Store to fix all of the other shit I bought at the Dollar Store. Life is going exactly as planned.

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@jonnysun

“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.

“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”

@Reverend_Scott

Fun Fact:

Valentine’s Day was created by a woman than didn’t get what she wanted for Christmas.

@bransonreese

The Ugly Duckling has the best moral: “everybody has to apologize to you if you get hot”

@shashaintl

What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*

@Brianhopecomedy

My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.

@TheIronSherk

Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam

@TDeeRock

You know what Victoria’s Secret is.. Over charging you for a tiny piece of fabric that can be pushed aside by a tongue.

@davidleecourt

Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.