I just purchased duct tape at the Dollar Store to fix all of the other shit I bought at the Dollar Store. Life is going exactly as planned.

You Might Also Like


Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.


Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.



me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?

friend: they’re koi.

me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.


I touch myself when I think of you.

It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.


I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.


I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.