I just put a bra on for the first time in a week and nearly dislocated my shoulder.

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As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.


A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away


*storms onto stage*
*crowd gasps*
*crowd continues gasping*


all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough


You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.


in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times


A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.