@Duchess______

I just put a bra on for the first time in a week and nearly dislocated my shoulder.

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@OfficeofSteve

They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot

@KelFocker

A homeless guy asked me for 50 cents for a sandwich. I said, “First let me see the sandwich.”

@ClichedOut

Me: I have an imaginary gf.

Therapist: U can do better than that.

M: I know, it’s just–

T: I was talking to her.

@CorkyKneivel

Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.

And none of them ever call me again.

@crushingbort

“there’s only one thing to do when you’re Zero Dark Thirsty” *Navy Seals bust in and toss Bin Laden a Coke Zero, he pounds it in like 5 sec*

@Dwarven_Cleric

After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.

@Matt_The_1st

<— only has 13 problems left.

Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!

@Darlainky

I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”

@FannyB1tch

Never pee with the door open, it totally freaks out the other motorists.