@Duchess______

I just put a bra on for the first time in a week and nearly dislocated my shoulder.

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@justabloodygame

As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.

@weinerdog4life

A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away

@PretendMaker

*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*

@ch000ch

all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough

@LackOfShame

You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.

@jonnysun

in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times

@AliciaHawkes

A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.