I just put a bra on for the first time in a week and nearly dislocated my shoulder.

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They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot


A homeless guy asked me for 50 cents for a sandwich. I said, “First let me see the sandwich.”


Me: I have an imaginary gf.

Therapist: U can do better than that.

M: I know, it’s just–

T: I was talking to her.


Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.

And none of them ever call me again.


“there’s only one thing to do when you’re Zero Dark Thirsty” *Navy Seals bust in and toss Bin Laden a Coke Zero, he pounds it in like 5 sec*


After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.


<— only has 13 problems left.

Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!


I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”


Never pee with the door open, it totally freaks out the other motorists.