My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
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Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
what’s the point then??
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.