[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
I just put BOTH my legs into one pajama pant leg…making me a MERMAID!
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me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
I call McDonald’s to make a reservation for Valentine’s Day, just to listen to the stammering and confusion from the kid answering the phone
doctor: how are you feeling
me: with nerve endings, you should really know this
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
Just tried to cook something from scratch and ended up summoning a demon.
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing