I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
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Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
Who’s your best friend?
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.