I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
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Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”