I just ran a .003048K
You Might Also Like
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.