I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
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Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
My birthstone is kidney
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.