
ME: is there a doctor on this flight??
GUY: i’m a doctor
ME: thank god! can you talk to my son? he wants to study philosophy
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
ME: is there a doctor on this flight??
GUY: i’m a doctor
ME: thank god! can you talk to my son? he wants to study philosophy
Learned from my 2yr old tonight that Jesus doesn’t like bananas. No word on cauliflower yet but pretty sure he’s not a fan.
The “Ooooo” the audience makes during a sitcom kiss but for me when I finally take a shower.
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
Every time you sing “What a Friend We Have in Jesus” I’m reminded how much I disapprove of My son’s friends.
Things you can’t touch:
1. Happines
2. The Easter Bunny
3. Your wife’s sister
4. This
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.