@SexyInsomniac

I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”

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@TheHyyyype

ME: is there a doctor on this flight??

GUY: i’m a doctor

ME: thank god! can you talk to my son? he wants to study philosophy

@sammyrhodes

Learned from my 2yr old tonight that Jesus doesn’t like bananas. No word on cauliflower yet but pretty sure he’s not a fan.

@pinupteacher

The “Ooooo” the audience makes during a sitcom kiss but for me when I finally take a shower.

@samir

horse: is ur name liam

liam neeson: yea?

horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie

liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me

@secondofhername

Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.

@KarenGiannina6

Nice romantic weekend with the husband.

Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.

Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.

Me: Ok goodnight

@ThrillHicks

I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.

@TheTweetOfGod

Every time you sing “What a Friend We Have in Jesus” I’m reminded how much I disapprove of My son’s friends.

@mofrorock

Things you can’t touch:

1. Happines
2. The Easter Bunny
3. Your wife’s sister
4. This

@roxiqt

Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.