@TheHyyyype
ME: is there a doctor on this flight??
GUY: i’m a doctor
ME: thank god! can you talk to my son? he wants to study philosophy
@SexyInsomniac
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
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@TheHyyyype
@sammyrhodes
Learned from my 2yr old tonight that Jesus doesn’t like bananas. No word on cauliflower yet but pretty sure he’s not a fan.
@pinupteacher
The “Ooooo” the audience makes during a sitcom kiss but for me when I finally take a shower.
@samir
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
@secondofhername
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
@KarenGiannina6
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
@ThrillHicks
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
@TheTweetOfGod
Every time you sing “What a Friend We Have in Jesus” I’m reminded how much I disapprove of My son’s friends.
@mofrorock
Things you can’t touch:
1. Happines
2. The Easter Bunny
3. Your wife’s sister
4. This
@roxiqt
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.