@steeve_again
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
@SexyInsomniac
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
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@steeve_again
@neilhimself
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
@DothTheDoth
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
@prufrockluvsong
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
@Spaced_Cowboy00
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
@baseballchickie
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
@ScottLinnen
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
@68Cly29
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
@brodyrhamilton
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: are birds real
government: dare
@CharmandBrains
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!