I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”

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Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world

[20 years later]

Boss: ok lift on three

Me: oh shit


In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.


I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.


The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.

Him: Fresh Parmesan?



Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.

Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.


First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.

(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)


Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.


Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent

Is a driver’s Ed instructor


Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!