I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
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at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house