Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

date: so what do you do?

me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter

A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.

9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”

I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.

There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.

A librarian with a sense of humour…

#Oscars

Fun fact: A 10-minute walk in 93- degree weather lasts forever.

I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.

Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.

God: No problem.

Moses: But since you can make anything-

God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.

Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?

Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?

Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.

The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.

The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.

WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?

ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.

Him: The last couple of years have been tough.

Me: Tell me about it!

Him: Well, two years ago I…

Me: Don’t really, though.

I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere

my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos

Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”

That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.

My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.

Thanks for following.

Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.

It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.

Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets

Me: Hold my goat

BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….

I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.

[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion

I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.

The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?

I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ

Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!