I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
I just ran over a dog. At first I felt bad, but then I realized it was my Ex…
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[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
I’m really surprised I decided to get Botox. At least I think I’m surprised, I can’t really tell.
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly