I just ran over a dog. At first I felt bad, but then I realized it was my Ex…

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I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.


[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know


In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.


[runs out of toilet paper]

Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures


I’m really surprised I decided to get Botox. At least I think I’m surprised, I can’t really tell.


What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?


Coworker: What a crazy weekend!

Me: *takes a knee*

CW: What are you doing?

M: Protesting this conversation.


6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”

Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”

6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”


I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.


[being buried alive]

murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly