I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
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FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
who did the taste test?
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it