I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
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I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
Sounds like a bargain
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.