Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
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people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
North and South
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here