I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
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My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
❤️🦆
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?